Saturday, August 9, 2008

Prednisone Psychosis

Oh No!
Current mood: spiritually bereft for unknown reason

"Oh, No!" She cried in the midst of her dream.

Oh No! awakened her, without the memory of why the foreboding and despondency was coming through her in waves like nausea.

The mirror told it all. The dark circles. The sleep tangled hair. The frown frozen on her face. The dried salt rimming her eyes. Telltale signs. Had it been a long dream. It had been bad.

What was it? Seeming to be her mother? Looking back against time? Regretting and understanding the missed opportunities for cherishing the joy? Instead dying into the darkness? Perhaps.

The awakening to the sense of the glass is half full. Half full with a cesspool of dark liquid threatening to suck her into the burning acid of heartache. It tortures her soul. She clings to the side of the glass. The fragile glass, like herself, ready to crack under the weight of pressure.

The cup of tea, the piece of toast, the swallowing of pills. Nothing to detract from the sensations of the dream still enveloping her.

Hang on! Hang on! It will go away!

Wash a dish. Feed the cat. Pacing back and forth. Clean a cupboard. Keep distracted. It is like a persistent oily, ugly debt collector his foot well placed in the door. Hold him back! But, he has gained and now inside at the shoulder, leaning his face too close, breathing stale air.

No escape! A banana. Turn on the TV. Make some pudding. Clean off the counter. Put a banana in the pudding. Add some walnuts. Yes. Food will put it off. It used to do that so well. Like an alcoholic with the relief of a drink. But, no. Food doesn't do it anymore.

Throat squeezing. The eyes burn, forehead crinkled in pain. The cheeks begging for release of tears. The prayers ask for comfort. But, it does not work. So, it is another bad ride. Especially bad ride this time.

1 comment:

LadyTeelah said...

Hey. Thank you for such a detailed blog regarding this situation. I do feel for you.
I'm diagnosed with Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (March 08), but I've had a burning mouth since at least July 07.
I'm currently trying to figure out what's the cause of my burning. 2 dentists have failed to find a cause. I am going to a dermo in the near future, and I'll be asking for the possibility of biopsy. It is possible that I may have OLP.. but it's also possible I may have the elusive 'burning mouth syndrome'. Sigh. I do feel your pain hun, hang in there!

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